The other day my 4-year-old asked me this exact question out of the blue: “Mama, when you die do you wake up?”
Yup. That happened. Heavy.
Ok, deep breath. I got this.
How To Talk To Kids About Death – Tips for the Big Heavy Stuff
Right away, there are a few main guidelines for talking to kids about “hard stuff” in general.
1. Answer ONLY the question they are asking and see what happens.
Sometimes a simple answer to a simple question satisfies, depending on how old the child is.
Sometimes your child will follow up with another question, which you can answer using the same guideline. Basically, proceed with crumbs and see if they want more.
Kids are pretty literal until they are around 5 or 6 at least. So keep it honest, appropriate to their age. Say just enough to satisfy and then stop.
I promise, whatever the question is, it is not as complicated and heavily weighted as it is for us.
2. Have some “canned” answers ready to go, and revise these answers as your kids grow.
But for the most part, as soon as they can ask these questions right up until they are 5 or 6, the “entry level” responses usually do the trick.
How I Replied To My Son’s Question About Death
So how did I answer my son?
His question had a common trap you may run into when speaking to kids about death, and the clarity of his question gave me an opportunity nip it in the bud. His question was really about clarifying the difference between dying and sleeping – a common mix-up kids make.
I said, “Well Felix, sleeping and dying aren’t the same. When you die, your body stops working. When you sleep, you always wake up.”
If I were to say, “When you die you don’t wake up,” even with the best and most honest, loving intention I may inadvertently create a fear of sleeping. At 4 years old, after the hard work of getting this child into good sleep habits, this is something I would prefer to avoid.
Common Questions Kids Ask About Death
My son followed up with a few questions, like Does everyone die? And When am I going to die?
My canned answer for these is:
“People die when their body stops working. This is usually when they are very old. The plan is that you are going to live for a long long, long, long, time, like so many birthday parties you can’t even count… You know Grandma Glady, she is 94! That’s so old. So don’t worry.”
My 5-year-old then added her two cents and pointed out that it meant that Grandma Glady was going to die soon, a little detail I would have preferred omitting for my son.
But, being his self-centered barely 4-years-old self, he didn’t pay attention to her comment. His question had been answered and he moved on to talking about something else.
The Place of Religion in Talking to Kids About Death
What about religious explanations for death?
I hear you, and I fully respect all people’s beliefs. In fact, I’ve always been fascinated by how each culture and religion approaches death, and the beauty of a celebration of life that aids in the grieving process for adults.
I personally believe that having some sort of belief or ritual around processing death and grief is a wonderful and healthy tool.
I also know that developmentally, some 3 or 4 or even 5-year-old children are not capable of conceptualizing “heaven” or a spirit or a soul the same way an adult does.
These explanations of what happens when you die are often not definitive enough answers by themselves. They can sometimes lead to more confusion for the child. Beware of your own need to achieve “comfort” around an uncomfortable topic. That said, you know your child better than anyone.
Beliefs and rituals, religious or otherwise, are important to family connectedness and healing after loss. I would say, balance more abstract discussions of death with a literal exploration of the question first, using concrete language. Then add the cultural or religious elements that are important to you as you feel your child can manage.
Otherwise, it is also ok to wait to introduce some of those ideas. Sometimes they invite more questions than you are ready to answer, or the concepts are beyond what they are ready to understand in the way you intend.
How to Talk to Kids About Death Using Concrete Language
Using concrete language is a good rule of thumb when discussing death with children.
As adults, we have invented more palatable ways of speaking about death, mostly to make ourselves feel more comfortable. Using the words “dead” or “died” or “dying” is way better for a child than phrases like “passed away” or “going to a better place”.
Be aware of your tendency to avoid these words because they feel jarring and uncomfortable. If you are comfortable and matter-of-fact about death, that will create a comfort and trust around the topic between you and your child.
Canned Answers for Talking to Kids About Death
Consider these suggestions when it’s time for you to answer hairy questions about death and dying.
Q. What does dead mean?
Dead means you aren’t alive anymore. It means that your body stopped working.
Q. Do people die?
All things that are alive eventually die. It’s part of something called the life cycle. All plants, animals and people eventually die.
Q. Are you going to die?
All people die. It’s part of the life cycle. But the plan is that I am going to live for a very, very, very, long time, like we have so many birthday parties to have, and Christmases, and vacations to take, think of all the places we still need to go! And all the things we still need to do! Even after you are grown up too and maybe even when you are a Grandpa/Grandma!
(Note for grown-ups: kids don’t have same concept of time as adults – thinking of themselves of being old is basically mind-blowing to them and feels impossible. Explaining this way helps mitigate fear while still being honest.)
Q. Am I going to die?
All people die. It’s part of the life cycle. But the plan is that YOU are going to live for a very, very, very, long time, like we have so many birthday parties to have and other celebrations and vacations to take, think of all the places we still need to go!
Books I Recommend for Talking to Kids About Death
(Scroll to the bottom of the post to Shop The Post.)
The Cheat Sheet: 3 Top Tips on How To Talk To Kids About Death
To summarize, these 3 pointers will get you through when your child asks those seemingly HUGE questions about death.
- Be literal and use concrete language. Avoid euphemisms. Say it straight. Use “death” and “dead”, not “passed away” or “gone to heaven”.
- Drop breadcrumbs. Avoid the temptation to go into lengthy explanations. Give a short, sharp answer and if pressed for more, give a little more.
- Have a toolkit of canned responses ready. The examples above will get you started.
Books I Recommend
