What is the Jazz Method of Parenting?
As parents, information is constantly coming at us from all directions. We get advice from friends, parents, doctors, strangers. We are pulling information from parenting groups, teachers, that book that was kind of read, that bit found on the Internet.
We are also trying to use this information to raise our kids to the best of our abilities. It’s hard. There is no script or perfect recipe, and at times it seems like we’re just fumbling along.
The way I look at it, being a parent is like being a jazz musician. You have all the tools and then you have to throw it all away and play jazz.
Introducing the Jazz Method of Parenting.
Learn the Basics, Then Improvise Your Method of Parenting
Let me explain.
When jazz musicians perform, they’re usually not playing from a page. They improvise. They may have a rough idea of what they are going to do ahead, but basically they make it up as they go along. They don’t have a rigid plan and they are certainly not occupied with finding the “right” way.
They don’t have time for that because once the show starts they just need to play, they feel it. They have a secret box full of skills, tools and ideas that they utilize to create the illusion of spontaneity.
There is No Perfect Method of Parenting
We’re all on a quest to find the “right way” to bring up our children to be happy, healthy and functional humans.
But most of us understand there really isn’t one right way—there are countless ways to fit together all the pieces of the parenting puzzle and succeed. Navigating the overload of information is really more about informing your instincts instead of a rigid or literal application of any particular parenting approach.
Like jazz musicians, parents have a basic idea of what they are doing but are essentially making it up as they go along. Embracing this necessary spontaneity is a strategy I call the Jazz Method of Parenting.
Below are 10 ways to shift perspectives and start to move toward the Jazz Method of Parenting.
1. Listen:
As overwhelming as it is, we have to be open to the options. As annoying as it can be sometimes, we have to hear the unsolicited advice.
We can’t learn all the different ways to do something until we know what those options are. And the truth is, you just don’t know where your next breakthrough solution is going to come from.
Good information can come from anywhere or anyone. Our insecurities sometimes cause us to react to parenting suggestions negatively, but that says more about how we feel about the source of the info and whether we think that person is qualified to give that information.
I say, take that info and file it into your tool box because, you never know, one day it might be exactly what you need to know.
2. Not all information is valuable:
Simply put, it just isn’t. The method of parenting that works for someone else may not work for you and vice versa.
All kids are dynamically different and even within a single family, parents have to be flexible in their approaches to all things from sleeping to scheduling to separation. There is so much information to take in and we just don’t know what we need to know until we need to know it. Ha!
All of it is valuable and none of it is valuable at the same time. Therefore, don’t assign a value to it right up front, just file it away until you need it or you don’t as you continue to build up your tool box.
3. Don’t compare yourself to other parents:
There is just no way to avoid the social media-fuelled culture we live in. We are constantly bombarded with images of moms who “have their shit together” and inevitably we make comparisons.
Just don’t do it. Focus on yourself.
Your own circumstances determine what is possible for you, and your feelings of success and achievement as a parent need to come from the rules and goals that honor your personal truths and potential. There are too many factors that define success for each of us. Comparing is frankly a waste of time and energy.
4. Stay objective about your objective:
Parenting is an intensely emotional job. It’s joyful and heartbreaking. And the first time your 3-year-old spits their first “I hate you” or a family member tells you how many things you are doing wrong, it’s really hard not to take it all personally.
As parents, we are so vulnerable to criticism. Nobody goes to school for this and yet we are expected to be the knower of all things! When we start taking it personally, we can easily lose sight of the original intended purpose of our choices.
5. Change your mind:
I always reserve the right to change my mind in life and especially in parenting. Be humble to the fact that we just don’t and can’t know everything. We make choices with the information we have.
Co-sleeping sounds like a great idea in theory and it works for lots of people… it also doesn’t work for lots of people.
If something really isn’t working, stop doing it. Sometimes we don’t really appreciate the impact of our choices until we are right in it.
Being flexible to other possibilities and giving yourself permission to change direction is as important for parents as it is for jazz musicians.
6. Evolve:
As your family grows, grow with it. As time marches on, something that once worked very well for you could become the source of a problem.
That 7:30 p.m. bedtime used to be the sweet spot and now this kid seems ready for bed at 5:30. Be open to evolving and adjusting approaches as the needs of your family change.
It’s important to acknowledge that when we become too rigid, a once solution can become the source of a problem. It helps to stays flexible and stay tuned to the evolving needs of our family and evolve our solutions to match.
7. Break the rules:
Beware of arbitrary restrictions you put on yourself based on beliefs about how things should or shouldn’t be.
We shouldn’t have grilled cheese sandwiches for breakfast. Really? Why?
Kids should use their forks to eat spaghetti. Maybe, but not always.
Sometimes playing jazz means breaking the rules and removing beliefs that are creating barriers to peace and fun. This is especially valuable for the parent of the boundary-testing toddler.
Health and safety issues are good spots for strong boundaries and rules, but if it isn’t life-threatening or morally problematic then challenge yourself to let go of some of the rules and let your kids explore and learn in the ways that are interesting to them.
Carrots and noodles in orange juice? Try saying yes sometimes when you want to say no.
8. Give yourself a break:
Life is not perfect. It is messy and ever-changing. Mistakes will be made.
Sometimes the choices you make with the best intentions just don’t work out. That makes no one a bad parent, it’s just part of the process.
Be forgiving and compassionate with yourself, make a new plan and move on. There is a lot of room for mistakes, there is lots of time for love.
9. Trust yourself:
The method of parenting you choose for your children is up to you. Only your family can set the rules for your family. At some point you have to focus on what is truly best for you. No apologies.
Learning to tune into what your gut is telling you is an important skill to practice. You don’t have to explain it to anyone. Do your best. Make thoughtful and deliberate choices. Believe in what you are doing and trust that you know best.
10. Play jazz:
Now that you have done the work, you just have to play jazz—you have ideas, you have tools and you have skills, now throw it all out the window and live your life.
Know your jazz box will be there for you to draw from as you navigate the journey of parenthood.
*Edited by Ella Stewart
